27th October 2015
When I look back on my life and look at all the challenges that I have faced I sometimes get overwhelmed but then I look at how far I have come and the person I am now and realise that everything I have faced has made me the person I am today.
After a difficult childhood with more heartache and sadness then happy and joyous times there is no wonder I went through a very dark time and got very close to allowing others to destroy and control not only my life but me as a person but I have turned that around and now control my own life and live a life I love.
In my dark times I didn’t want to live, I think it’s fair to say death was more appealing then living. It felt the whole world was against me and I was always asking what if or if only which only kept me locked in the past.
I couldn’t accept what had happened to me, I grew up in a home that wasn’t a home it was more of a war zone filled with violence and abuse. There was no love and no care there for me. I succumbed to everything everyone said about me. In my childhood I lived up to all the bad things people ever said about me. I was told I deserved all the pain and suffering was evil and discussing so that’s what I tried to make myself. Later on I went into avoidance and tried to avoid thinking and remembering, then I went into overcompensating for things that I thought were my fault and would do what anyone asked of me which only led me becoming so unhappy and allowed others to dictate my life.
I get told frequently that I have suffered my fair share of loss, losing my own beautiful little boys one of which has spent the last 16 years growing up without even knowing I exist for no reason, we were robbed of a life together that we should have shared, my gorgeous girlfriend jo who was taken to soon, friends and close family members.
So many times in my life have I come close to losing it because I allowed others to control it that I turned to things such as anorexia, self-harm and drug use to gain some control over the things I felt and of my life. My body has really suffered because of what I have put it through and what others have done to it. I am still finding out the true extent of the damage and have to really watch my health closely now.
When I think about all the times I have spent in general hospital because of the times I have tried taking my own life or because of the effects of the self-defeating behaviours that I have used it saddens me but then I look at where I am today I actually see that it was worth it because all of my negative experiences have made me the person I am today.
I have so many people to thank for saving my life, mental health care workers, medical professionals, friends family and people I have met along the way.
If there was one thing I had to pick that helped me, it was from my time in a specialist unit when one worker said to me I know you are trying your hardest but I need you to try harder. Because of that comment it has made me realise that we all have that inner strength inside us that we don’t know we have and every time we have to use it it builds up again and again.
People often ask me that if I could go back would I change anything I have done or do things differently but the truth is no I wouldn’t. everything that I have done or been through has made me the person I am today and if you change one thing who knows what else you will change. I m now living a life that I love. I have no idea what the future holds for me but no one does. Will my health dictate what I can do no I will always keep going to the best of my ability, I am a fighter not a quitter and will never again give in to others well that’s the plan anyway.
I know I have rough times ahead and they will test me to the limit. My journey of recovery is not over but it hasn’t just been a journey of recovery it’s also been a journey of self-discovery and I can honestly say I like what I have found. What you see is what you get I will never try to be someone others want me to be because that will only make you unhappy and no one has the right to ask you to be anyone other than who you are.
So I will continue to dream big and discover more about myself because life is a journey and we can all live a life we love if we put the effort in and make sure we dictate our own life. If someone tells you that you can’t do something do it if that’s what you want. We are all our own person and are all uniquely beautiful inside and out. So go out there be who you want to be but more importantly be strong and believe in yourself.